One Word
by Psyc0gurl0
Summary: “Your nose is bleeding.” you say leaning back and staring at my angrily. I reach my fingers up to my nose and take them away. I turn my fingers towards me and sure enough crimson blood stains them. The blood is leaking down my face. Lit and implied JJ.
1. Yes

**Title:** One Word

**Disclaimer:** none belong to moi.

**Couples:** implied Jess/Rory

**Author's note:** I don't know if there will be another chapter. what do you guys think?

If I hadn't said yes I wouldn't be here.

I'd be sitting on a park bench in Washington Square Park having a debate with you over Rand vs. Hemingway, again.

But I'm not.

I'm here.

Staring at my reflection in a golden framed mirror at another useless function being the perfect trophy wife as my husband flirts and mingles. I wouldn't be seeing the differences since when you knew me and how I look now.

My hair was just hair when I knew you. Now, it's burnt and fried to perfection. My face was never made up when you saw me. You saw me at my best. It now has layers of make up and I don't allow anyone to see me without it.

I look hideous.

I ran my fingers up and down my layered face and wince. I want to rip my face off and find a new one. I looked around the bathroom and sighed.

The bathroom was bigger then Luke's apartment.

Luke.

A simple name.

A simple face.

A person who I hold so dear and is now my step-dad. But I shouldn't know that. I wasn't at the wedding. I haven't talked to Lorelai for 6 years.

6 long years.

It feels like eternity.

It feels like hell.

I regret Yale now.

I regret my life when my husband came into it.

At the time I thought he was 'the one' how nieve one can be at 19. I wish I went to Harvard. I wouldn't have met Logan at Harvard. Maybe I would have seen you again, at one of your book signings.

I hear your doing good. I'm happy for you. I hear you have a girlfriend. On the outside I'm happy. On the inside I want to hire someone to kill her.

I miss you.

If I had said yes to you I wouldn't be sitting in a half a million dollar bathtub staring at the blood red ceiling. I wouldn't be curled up ruining my Dolce and Gabbana little black dress. My 300 dollar stiletto heels wouldn't be scratching the bathtub tiles. I would be curled up next to you in a band t-shirt of yours and your boxers. You'd be reading to me instead of me listening to hated distant classical music.

I would love you.

Not suppose to love him.

I glance at the door and wonder vaguely if he cares I'm gone.

You would.

You'd come and find me immediately once I had left. You'd wonder where I was and not stop looking till you found me. You'd make a sarcastic comment and I'd laugh because everything would be fine. Then I'd tell you I love you.

But, it doesn't work like that.

He'll ask me at the end of the night where I was and that would be the end. I wouldn't even have to answer him. He doesn't care about an answer.

Maybe if I had said yes we'd have a child. I would want a boy, like you. We could name him Holden or Atticus. Something that means something to both of us.

A book reference.

A reference no one else but you would get.

He'd have your dark brown thick hair. Not his blonde hair. He'd have blue eyes and a sexy smirk, the one you have not the wannabe rich one he has. He'd get in trouble then pout to get out of it. I would love him, our son.

I glanced at my matching purse and sighed. It was time. I reached for my purse and opened it swishing the contents around looking for the little bag.

I found it.

Pulled it out.

Opened it.

Smiled sadly at its contents.

Whit powder.

Lethal white powder.

I took enough of it out and started putting it in lines with the help of a razor I kept in my bag at all times. Slowly finishing the lines I leaned down and snorted it up in a fast motion. All 3 lines within record pace.

If I hadn't said yes to him I wouldn't be here snorting crack on my wedding anniversary.

I would be with you somewhere in Philly laughing and today would have no meaning.

6 years of pure trophy wife hell with him and 6 years of pure heaven with you if I had only said 'no'.

(A/n: So? another chapter or no? can't decide.)


	2. Tattoo

**A/n:** wow! well, I guess it's not going to be a one-shot. But it'll be consdierable short. Thank you SO much for the reviews! you guys are amazing! Chapter 2, it longer...

I have a tattoo.

I know.

Rory Gilmore–now Huntzberger–doesn't bring the word tattoo to mind. But I do. I have a tattoo. A reminder of you, really.

It's on my wrist, where my pulse is. Right over my pulse. No one knows about it, not even him. It's covered up with my watch band. It's a small heart, about the size of a dime. There are two letters in the heart. RM, a reminder of something I would never have but always want.

RM.

I got it on a whim one day.

It was right after I bought my first baggie.

I walked away from the dealer and into a tattoo shop. I wasn't in my right of mind. But I've never thought about getting it removed.

Never.

It's a reminder.

The last reminder I got.

A few months after marrying Logan I got my first reminder.

A drum set.

A reminder of my best friend.

A friend that didn't deserve me.

Lane Kim.

She played the drums.

I bought drums.

I learned how to play.

I know, me with drums, again not pictured when you think of Rory Huntzberger. There red, like Lane's. I haven't seen Lane in a long time.

Very long time.

It hurts almost as much as not seeing my mom.

I miss Lane.

I miss my mom.

The second reminder I bought was a dragonfly figurine.

Then a flannel shirt for Luke.

Then I started doing cocaine and then I got my tattoo.

My last reminder.

Surrounded with reminders I want the real thing. I want my mom, Luke, Lane, and you.

I miss you the most and that's saying something since you've seen how important Lorelai is.

I fiddled with my new baggie throwing it from one hand to the other.

"Rory! We're leaving soon." I heard Logan say knocking on the bathroom door.

I sighed and put my new baggie in my purse. I double checked my image in the mirror and opened the door.

I plastered a fake smile on. The 'smile' wouldn't leave my face till I entered the bathroom at the event. I lost track of what the event was.

"Listen, can you take your car? I need to stop at the office before we go to the Cotilion." Logan said smiling at me.

I nodded not really caring about what he was saying. I knew he wasn't stopping at the office. He was going to his blonde busty mistress. I think this week it was, Victoria.

Who knows.

I went over to my little blue Jaguar and rolled out of our massive driveway. I pondered stepping on the accelerator and going at top speed into a tree.

It'd be quick.

No one would care.

Logan could cheat freely.

I would be free.

My reminders wouldn't haunt me.

I'd be free.

No one would care.

But...would you?

* * *

Somehow I ended up at a bar.

I'm not sure.

It just happened.

I must have turned right instead of left on Taylor.

I was playing with my watch band staring at the bar counter top.

It was half past 8.

The party had started 30 minutes ago.

Would anyone notice Logan's and mine's absences?

I didn't care I decided.

"Vodka." I said to the bartender as he came over.

He placed the small shot in front of me and I lifted my hands to touch it. I picked it up with my right hand and stared at it for a few minutes then dropped it into my stomach. It burned for a few seconds then cooled off.

I felt better.

Maybe I'd hold back on the crack.

"Anyone sitting here?"

I looked up and saw a guy around my age with light brown hair and a wide smile.

"Nope." I said gesturing to the chair.

I ran a hand through my stiff hair and sighed. "I'm Ron." he said smiling.

"Rory." I murmured placing a hand over my purse.

"Can I buy you a drink, Rory?"

"Of course." I said smiling sadly.

We ended up having sex in the bathroom. After 2 drinks, I had, had my first one night stand.

It was weird.

He was weird.

I was married.

But Logan cheated all the time, what was the difference?

The difference was I was, Rory. The old Rory would never have cheated. Ever. I was a bad horrible person. I had turned into a bad horrible person. Was this what my mother had envisioned me doing with my life after college? The answer was obviously no.

He left me on the bathroom floor feeling dirty and disgusted. I pulled my baggie out and looked at it with sad eyes.

It was time.

I took a book from my purse, a book I hadn't read in years, The Subsect, I carry it everywhere. I found it in a bookstore, the last bookstore I went in. I was looking in the M's and suddenly it popped out at me.

It was a miracle.

You wrote a book.

A damn good book too.

It reminds me of you.

Another reminder, like my tattoo.

I put the book on my lap and started dabbing the white powder on the book. How sad was it that I was snorting off my your book?

You'd be disappointed.

Very disappointed.

I stumbled out of the bathroom mere minutes later and smiled stupidly at a man walking to the bathrooms. I went back to my seat and smiled the same smile at the bartender. I ordered another vodka and chugged it down still smiling.

Then I felt a tap.

I waved my hand where the tapping had been and sighed angrily.

"St–" But I bit my tongue and felt the blood leave my face.

"Rory, I thought it was you." you say smirking.

"I-I." I stammered.

I haven't seen you since you asked me to run away with you.

It was incredible.

"How are you?" you ask still smirking.

High. I want to say. I can't. It's not right.

I stutter some more, then shake my head slowly. For a minute I thought it was a hallucination, but it can't be. I've never gotten hallucinations before. You aren't suppose to see me like this, it's not right.

I had an entire scene worked out in my head. We'd meet once Logan and I had divorced so you wouldn't have to know about him. I would not be addicted to cocaine. I wouldn't smell like bar floor. And I'd be perfect, not high.

This wasn't how it was suppose to be.

"Rory?" you ask a little worried.

"I-I-I have a tattoo, Jess."

(A/n: so I guess it isn't a one-shot after all.)


	3. Blood

A/n: Happy Holidays! So basically...I've been away visiting my friend and it was AMAZING! lol. So here's chapter 3! thank you to everyone who reviewed!

**Chapter 3: Blood**

I stopped reading.

I haven't picked up a book in almost 5 years. I remember years ago, when I lived in Stars Hollow and saw you everyday... I remember when I carried a book with me where ever I went. I had incredible concentration. That's what brought my first boyfriend, Dean in. Reading was life. The words helped me breathe, helped me live.

What happened?

"Huh." you say a surprised look behind your blank one.

I had surprised you, after all these years. How refreshing.

I stare at you for a few minutes wondering if you would jump up and leave me.

Alone.

All Alone.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Would you be afraid?

Commitment always scared you.

Does it still?

It scares me.

Ironically I'm married.

Life is funny that way, dontcha think?

The last book I read was The Subsect. Your book. I was walking along downtown, it was winter. Snow was falling. It was turning my hair white. I just happened to look up at the bookstore on the left of me and there it was. In all it's beautiful glory, standing there tall and thin trying to stand out against the various big authors. It succeeded. At least to me. I read 'Written by: Jess Mariano' and I was hooked. Stepping into the bookstore. A random bookstore. I hadn't been in a bookstore in almost 6 months at that time. I felt like I had stepped back into a younger version of myself. I felt wonderful. I remember it was the last time I felt that way, in a long time. I bought the copy in the window and read the entire thing in about 3 hours.

It was wonderful.

Brilliant.

I wanted to call you.

I didn't.

"Tattoo you say? Stars Hollow's own princess getting voluntary skin art? How daring!"

I feel a smile tug at my chapped lips. I stare into your brown eyes. The emotions I read in them are different. You're different. It's nice though. I like it. I like the new you. Although I bet I could still get the old you out too.

Could you bring the old Rory back?

Was it possible?

"It was on a whim." I say softly ducking my eyes away from your vision. I feel like you can read my emotions. You probably can. Can you tell my emotions right now?

Hesitant.

Sad. High.

Numb.

So numb.

You're swimming before my eyes.

Not literally.

Obviously.

Can you tell I'm high?

My expression turns into a whole smile at the thought. Of course you can, your from New York.

"Were you drunk?" you ask laughing.

I look at my hands, my left hand, the large ring. The ring looks life it's weighing my hand down. Drowning me in depression. I look at you, your still laughing. Is it so hard to imagine me drunk? Or high? Doing something out of character?

I guess it is.

You're still laughing.

"No..." I whisper my eyes wondering back to my pale hands.

"What are you doing here, Rory?" you ask.

Laughter has left your voice.

It's serious now.

Are you worried?

"Nothing." I say shrugging.

"Right...are you meeting someone here?"

Do I detect jealousy?

I shake my head, my eyes still on my hands, my ring.

"Rory are you ok?" your voice is soothing.

I feel like melting, like ice-cream on a humid August day.

I shake my head slowly, still not looking at you.

"What's wrong?" you ask.

I can feel you leaning near me.

Your breath smells like mints.

"Everything." I whimper looking at you with sad blue eyes.

I watch as your eyes go from a multitude of different emotions.

Pity to shock to realization then finally furiousness.

"Your nose is bleeding." you say leaning back and staring at my angrily. You cross your arms over your chest.

I reach my fingers up to my nose and take them away. I turn my fingers towards me and sure enough crimson blood stains them. The blood is leaking into my mouth and I can taste the iron running back into my system.

My fingers are drenched.

I feel faint.


	4. Car

**A/n:** hey hey hey! what's up? Sorry I haven't updated like ANY of my GG fics! sadness! but I just finished w/ finales and am out of finale hell! (think i failed bio. but that's ok who wants to be a biologist). SO now i can update freely! btw. Super sad over Heath Ledgers death. Just wanted to put that out there! sadness. lol. Thanks for the reviews! AND the awesome people who decided to read! you guys are amazingly awesome! lol. Chapter 4! I was thinking of making this longer, but it should be done soon.

**Chapter 4: Car**

You know.

I know you know.

The look on your face.

The realization.

You aren't dumb despite what your teachers said.

I hate that about you.

You're too smart.

Too lazy.

Too withdrawn from this world.

I love that about you too.

"What happened to you Rory?" you ask taking my arm and helping me steady myself against the brick wall outside the bar. I'm not exactly sure how we ended up outside.

But we did.

Somehow.

"Jess..." I breath looking down at my shoes.

My 700 dollar Steve Maden leather boots were covered in vomit.

When did that happen?

"Where's your car?" you ask still holding my arm.

I try and suppress the shiver that runs up my spine.

"I-I..." I mumble closing my eyes and willing the world to stop spinning.

"Rory! Focus!" you yell holding my arms tighter.

"Stop."

I wheeze my eyes still closed.

I don't want to see the repulsion in your face.

But I can hear it.

"Stop." I whisper again and keel over.

"Rory." you say picking me up.

Your dragging me somewhere. Where?

"Let go! Jess!" I whined trying to twist away from your hands.

"Rory! Stop! God, you need help." you mutter.

"Rory!" you yell again.

We stop and I realize we are near my car.

"My car." I said hugging the black machine.

I don't see your facial expression.

"Where do you live?" you ask.

I giggle and twirl around the car I pick my way through my purse and hold my keys up triumphantly.

"Found!" I yell smiling.

You glare at me.

"Your not driving. Your drunk and high and totally—"

"Jess! Chill out! It's not like Logan will notice." I say shaking my head.

"He's too busy getting his freak on with his new secretary. Or something."

I look at you and your expression.

It's blank.

But your eyes say it all.

Pity.

More freaking pity.

"It's not why I do it." I clarify thinking he thinks I do coke cause of Logan.

"It's not why I do it at all." I add jamming the key in the lock and twist to open the door.

"Then why?"

"Why what?" I ask feeling the need to play dumb.

"Why do you do what you do, Rory! It's not...it's not you." you say coming over to me and stopping my from getting in the car.

I chuckle darkly at him. "What is me, anymore, Jess? I'm kinda...useless."

"Your not useless." you say quietly.

I nodded, "I'm useless. If I was to jump off that bar building and die. No one would care." I state confidently.

"Don't."

I look up to see your expression. It's angry, very angry. Perhaps the angriest it's been all night.

"Don't pretend to be the only one in the world. Don't think your so misunderstood. You aren't. You're an overdramatic shallow trophy wife who thinks they can find solace in a bottle of vodka and some crack. You did this to yourself." You spit.

And suddenly I'm yelling now, "you don't know me! You don't know what's happened to me for the last 6 years, Jess! Stop pretending like you still know me! Stuff has—"

"Yeah! I heard. Lorelai told me when she and Luke got married. You guys got in a fight cause you were all freaked out by some no-nothing scum newspaper editor who told you, you were better as a secretary! God, Rory! So it was one person who told you, you couldn't do it! Do you know how many people I've had in my life telling me I couldn't do it? A helluva lot, you know and guess what! I did it! I'm a successful writer with a great life and that's because I followed my freakin dreams! So don't try and push all this self-pity onto me. You've had it better then some people, including me." You say in one long breath.

I just stare at you, then turn and open my door I slammed it closed so you don't follow. I crawl into the back and take your book out. I take the rest of the coke out, too. I can feel your eyes on me from outside. I put the coke onto the book and start making it into lines. Suddenly you're banging on the doors to try and get me to stop, or at least open the door.

I don't.

Finally you find an unlocked door. You're in the drivers seat trying to get the book from my hands. The lines are almost done.

"Rory! Stop!" you yell as I put my face down to the book and finish.

I block your yelling out and scoot as far as I can from you. Out of the corner of my eye I see you climbing over the seats. The drug goes up my nose and into my system. I'm numb once again and your seething with anger in the seat next to me.

My phone starts ringing and it's 'Guns of Brixton' and I pick it up still staring at you.

"Hello?" I ask quietly.

"Rory! Where the hell are you!" His voice screeches.

You look at me.

"My car...broke." I say pathetically.

I have the sudden feeling of smiling.

"Broke?" He shouts.

There's classical music in the back.

"Sorry." I say pathetically feeling the need to giggle.

I bit my lip and Jess raises an eyebrow.

"I have a friend with me, he'll take me." I said bursting out into full giggles.

He doesn't even ask why I'm laughing, just hangs up after telling me to 'get my ass over here.'

"Who was that?" you ask quietly.

"Loogaaan!" I say in a sing-song voice.

You look at me and shake your head.

"You need help, Rory."

"I know." I whisper smiling sadly at you.

"Whose Logan?"

I sigh dramatically.

"My husband."

(A/n: Reviews? how was it? ahh! it's so cold here! lol. So. Reviews?)


	5. Dolls

**A/n:** This chapter is considerably emo/sad. It was sad writing it! I hope it's not too intense for you guys, but I tried to add some happyness! I've had a pretty hard week, so I think that reflects in this last chapter. It was pretty fun writing something this dark though, I enjoyed it. I hope that you guys enjoyed it too! So this fic is done...if you still like me and my writing by the end then check my other Gilmore Girls' stories out! Thanks for all the reviews and please review this chapter! ah...i think I'm done! lol. Thanks!

**Chapter 5: Dolls**

You take me to my social event and leave me.

I don't see you for 2 years.

My habits get worse.

Depression sets in.

Defeat withers in me for years.

I'm a broken china doll with blue eyes.

My nose finally gets defected and I resort to needles and smoke.

Logan still doesn't know.

Can you blame him? He isn't like you. Did you care when you saw me? Did you try and help? Maybe you did. I still think about it.

I read your latest book. On the back it says your 'women-hoping.' On the front it says; Dedicated to: My Influence. I hope she succeeds her demons.

I haven't.

Would you be saddened by that.

I've stopped taking my Prosaic and now I sit here on the floor holding a white stick with a positive sign.

I'm pregnant.

I stare longer and can't help but wish it wasn't his. I wish it was yours. I close my eyes and wish harder scrunching my eyes up in concentration, hoping, wishing it was yours. I'm a sad case. A hopeless case. I need help. You told me that once, I should have listened. I should have run away with you. I should have signed into rehab. I should...I should...I should. I didn't.

Bathroom floor.

Positive pregnancy stick.

Logan will be thrilled and resentful. He told me on our wedding night we need a heir.

Gag me.

I want to yell.

I want to scream.

I want to get away.

Where would I go? No one cares about broken drug addict Rory. The pink symbol begins to blur and I cry, for the first time in years.

I cry.

Crying for a better life. For a life I should have had. For the life I didn't have. Now I was letting a poor innocent child enter a life where no one wants them. This was wrong. I picked up my phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello?"

I pause.

"Mommy?" I whisper.

Lorelai goes silent and says my name back to me in a shaky voice.

"It's me, Rory." I add.

She whimpers.

"W-what? H-how are you? Jess said he saw you. He said you weren't well. Oh, sweetie! C—you have a brother, his names Will. Luke wanted to name him Will after his father. His middle name is Roy—for you. I miss you, babe." mom rambled and I close my eyes and envision my younger brother and my mother. I envision Luke and all three of them together.

Picture perfect.

No room for me.

I smile a sad smile knowing she can't see it.

"I-I" I stutter not knowing what to say.

I don't know wither to tell her I'm depressed, an addict, pregnant, unhappy with my marriage, Logan's cheating on me...the whole sordid affair that has become my very existence.

"I miss you too." I finally say sucking in a gulp of air to calm my shaky nerves. I can hear here shuffle something in the background and I can tell she's smiling and crying.

"Come home then. We can start over. You can meet Will. We can get you help Rory. Jess wants to see you too. He's actually living in Stars Hollow. I know, weird, right? Especially since Jess and I are getting along, but it's nice. We like the same foods and movies and—babe, I miss you, come home. Hell you can even bring Logan."

I paused staring at the bathroom door. It's silence beyond it. Logan was away on a 'business' trip.

The house was silent.

I was alone.

"I don't wanna bring Logan." I say quietly looking at the pregnancy test.

"Well—"

"Mom." We say in unison.

Mom laughs. "You first."

I smile, "you."

"Well, I was thinking Will's first birthday is this weekend, do you wanna come down? Jess will enjoy it. He's actually still pretty shook up from when you guys saw each other last. He told me some pretty...horrible things, Rory. A-are you i-into drugs?" mom asked quietly.

I stiffened and got up off the floor. There was no room in their life for me. Who wants a drug addict for a sister? Who wants a broken women for a daughter? Who wants a china doll for a wife?

I throw the stick away and unlock the door.

"I have to go mom." I say quietly and hang up.

I throw my cell on the floor and go for my room picking my prescription medicine off the dresser. I go for my purse and get the little baggie from there too. I then head towards the attic already knowing what I was going to do. I stopped in the library though, for your new book and continued on my way.

I was in a daze.

Not a high daze, but an unfamiliar daze.

A bracing daze.

A scared daze.

An unknowing daze.

I got to the attic and downed the entire bottle of pills then snorted the coke off your new book. I was dizzy and headed towards the small window big enough for a 5'7 130 pound girl to climb through.

I.E. me.

I held the book tightly to my chest and jumped with three things in my mind; you, the horrible future this child will have, and the needlessness of me.

When the maid comes in the morning she will find her trophy-wife boss in a dilapidated heap on the cement floor with a book plastered to her chest with the title of _'Broken China Doll With Blue Eyes'_ by Jess Mariano.

She would scream.

Call her master.

Call the police. Then wait staring at her boss with deep brown eyes. Her master would stare back at her with a glassy blue eyed stare. And the maid would be reminded of one of her collectable dolls from her childhood.

Glassy blue-eyed and stiff.

_The End_


End file.
